"Can anyone say, 'Count Dante?'" ArnoCorps' guitar hero Vielmehr Klampfe remarked after reviewing "Nacho Libre" lobby cards, which show Jack Black bearing an uncanny resemblance to The Count.

In the film, which opens on June 16th, Black plays a Mexican friar named Nacho who enters a surreal world of masked Mexican wrestling to make money for his monastery. Count Dante wrestled for the punk rock lucha libre extravaganza called Incredibly Strange Wrestling from 1997-2003 where he was often pitted against feared and outrageous grapplers such as Macho Sasquatcho, El Homo Loco and The Poontangler.

Earlier today, during an outdoor press conference held under the triumphal "Climate Best By Government Test" arch in Redwood City, Count Dante issued a challenge to the "King Kong" star.

"Jack Black! Jack Black!!! You have left me no choice but to challenge you to A TRILOGY OF TERROR MATCH!!!" The Count announced as he angrily tore up his prepared statement.

The Trilogy of Terror match is one of the most grueling challenges in professional athletics. It essentially involves three bouts in one, each having different rules and separate paths to victory.

"The first round of this street fight is going to be A HOTDOG EATING CONTEST," Dante said jabbing his finger in the air. "But Mr. Black, this won't be just your regular Ballpark Franks, it's going to be Lunardi's Super Dogs!!! The most dangerous dogs ever devised!!!"

The Lunardi's Super Dog is an especially large frankfurter found at Lunardi's Family Markets in San Bruno and Burlingame. The dog is two and half times bigger than your regular commercial hotdog and it must be eaten in either a French roll or an extra large bun. Even a movie star as well accustomed to extravagant eating as Mr. Black would be hard pressed to defeat Dante in what is essentially his home turf.

The second phase of the competition, providing one of the contestants doesn't receive a career ending injury during the hot dog scarfing round, will be an ESSAY WRITING CONTEST.

"Jack, I am going to write essays until you grovel," Dante said with a menacing confidence.

"When you get into that squared circle and discover that you cannot construct a better thesis statement than mine, I'm going to make you beg," Mr. Dante continued with Longfellow-like eloquence. "You're going to get down on your hands and knees. You will be the one that grovels for all of those "Nacho Libre" royalties. And how appropriate that the royalties you will grovel for will be your very own. Wallowing in the muck of avarice."

For the third and deciding round, Dante chose one of the most beautifully barbaric contests in the entire spectrum of sports: THE BASS SOLO.

The Count is surprisingly taking a bit of a risk by choosing Bass Soloing as the potential rubber round of his Trilogy of Terror. While Dante was nominated for a California Music Award in 2001 for his blistering basslines on his debut album "The Deadliest Man Alive," Mr. Black also possesses a proven ability to rock as evidenced by his soloing in the hit comedy "School of Rock" and the metal influenced folk of his acoustical duo Tenacious D.

If there isn't a clear victor by the time this Trilogy of Terror gets to the bass solo contest, it could be anyone's fight.

But Count Dante seemed unconcerned about the potential for a Jack Black upset and grew only more starry-eyed and crazed as the press conference progressed.

"Jack Black!," Dante yelled, "What you've seen is the final conflict. The conflict that ends it all. It's when there's no children left. It's when it all goes. It's when somebody presses the red button and it's been pressed many times before. Jack Black when you decided to look just like me for your summer blockbuster wrestling comedy you pressed that red button!!!"

Dante then took a deep breath and surveyed the sights of downtown Redwood City, perhaps contemplating ordering some pupusas at Amelia's after the press conference.

"Now the only way we can settle it is through this Trilogy of Terror Match! Tell me Jack Black, are you man enough to eat those hotdogs, write those essays and play that bass!?! Are you man enough Jack Black!?!"

Discuss the erupting controversy on The Count's Myspace page!!!

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COUNT DANTE: Fat Power Martial arts magnate and motivational sensei Count Dante is back with two tons of two-fisted fury that combines the heaviest rock with the deadliest grappling.