With a fist full of Canadian dollars and a bottle of Old Crow, Count Dante lives it up at the Econolodge.

Now I could give you COUNT DANTE'S COMPLETE WARPED TOUR RUNDOWN in chronological order, but at this point it would be so lengthy that it would give even the most ardent Russian Literature buff pause. Instead, I have opted for the TOP TEN WARPED TOUR HIGHLIGHTS list followed by a list of what I think were the best matches from the road. This is the best and worst list all rolled into one. It is the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Read on Martial Arts millionaire. Read on.

10) The Desperation Squad: With such songs as "Your Girlfriend is Ugly," "I'm an Asshole for Rock and Roll," and "Me and My Drug Problem" this band of hard rockin' college professors and librarians quickly became ISW's favorite Warped Tour 2001 band. Aye verily, they may even be the best band to play the Warped Tour ever. This much I know is certain: they are the best band to ever grace the lowly THE ERNIE BALL STAGE.

9) Cruiser sucks dick in Salt Lake City: Saturday July 7, 2001 at the Utah State Fairpark in SLC, UT Actually the Cruiser sucks dick everywhere he goes, but that's not the point. When Cruiser entered the ring in SLC, the audience started chanting: "YOU SUCK DICK! YOU SUCK DICK!" Cruiser grabbed the mic and replied, "YES... I DO!" This made even the most homophobic Mormon in attendance bust out laughing. Oh yeah, oral sex is illegal in Utah as well.

Nate the Merch Guy blows another sale.

8) Uncle N.A.M.B.L.A. makes crying kids want to return masks: Sunday, August 12, 2001 at the Phoenix Amphitheater in Pontiac, MI. Uncle N.A.M.B.L.A. is maybe the only ISW villain more repulsive than the Ku Klux Klown and that is saying a lot. Of course N.A.M.B.L.A. stands for "North American Man Boy Love Association" and that's pretty sick. UN thankfully only made one appearance at the Warped Tour and that was on its last day.

NAMBLA faced off against the Chemo Kid that day in what was maybe the most disturbing wrestling match of all time. You had child molestation and cancer in that one. Great. It was if somebody listed to top five things you could do in bad taste and ISW threw them all into one match. As NAMBLA beat on CK, stunned audience members said, "Somebody help that boy. My God! Make it stop! Please!"

After the match, two children with tears streaming down their faces went up to Nate the Souvenier guy and begged him to let them return their lucha masks. Nate refused and now the little tykes are saddled with some merch that will give them nightmares for years to come.

7) Storm clouds over Calgary: Tuesday July 3, 2001 at the Race City Speedway in Calgary, ALB. Calgary was one of our better shows on the tour, but right after our second set of wrestling, the sky opened up and all hell broke loose. At the sound of our final bell, a massive dust storm kicked up with winds strong enough to pick roadies right up off of the ground and whip them around. We had to get the ring torn down and loaded onto the truck and quick and just about everyone from ISW pitched in through the worst of weather to do this. Standing in this storm and loading the truck was literally like being assaulted by a sand blaster for an hour. It was apocalyptic. During all of this, Bad Boy Corey helped a crew of Mounties in holding up a fence to keep it from crushing hundreds of drunken Canadians in the beer garden. I was washing soot out of my beautiful perm for three days after this.

6) S.H.A.R.P. Skin scales cattle barricade in Boise: Monday July 2, 2001 at the Idaho Center Amphitheatre in Nampa, ID. SHARP stands for "Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice" and there was a member of this group at our show in Nampa, ID (outside of Boise) just in time for the Oi Boy vs. Mextacy match. After the Oi Boy entered the ring to the tune of Screwdriver's sick anthem "White Power," the SHARP Skin went nuts and actually tried to get into the ring. The ring was surrounded by these tall barricades that are used to keep cattle in place during rodeos and livestock auctions, but that didn't deter this guy. He freaked out and tried to climb the cage over and over again to kick the Oi Boy's ass. Luckily, Mextacy pulled off a surprise pin and things died down, but it was really freaky while it was going on.

Now a quick note here: we actually were afraid that the Oi Boy would get cheered in Idaho since the state is chock full of white supremacists. Thankfully, the opposite was true and a vast majority of the crowd cheered when Mextacy got the pin. At the Calgary show, the tremendous throng in attendance actually started a Mextacy chant during this match-up.

5) Harassment from a certain religious group: I can't really say more about this at this time, but let's just say that a certain religious group took exception to part of the Incredibly Strange show and started sending representatives to our Warped Tour dates to scare and bother us. That's really all I can say right now but this is a shoot baby. As Dolemite would say: "I AIN'T LYIN'."

4) The "FUCK ISW" Chant: Sunday, August 12, 2001 at the Phoenix Amphitheater in Pontiac, MI. The ska-punk band Less Than Jake was spoiling for a scrap with ISW on the entire Warped Tour. They bullied, badgered, called us out and even gave it up to The Cruiser all in an attempt to grab our attention. For the most part, we ignored them in the fears that our grapplers would hurt their puny and weak musician's bodies. This wasn't Ted Nugent or Motorhead we were up against here. Sure, we could have all hauled off and broken their arms, but then they would have cried to Kevin Lyman and had ISW thrown off the tour, drummed out of the corps, or (even worse) had our beer rations revoked.

The last day of the tour also marked the final straw in this feud. LTJ had the audacity to lead the capacity crowd in a "FUCK ISW" chant which all of their thousands of fans did with glee. LTJ had to be stopped. Right after this, The Cruiser and El Pollo Diablo stormed the stage and destroyed the happy punks. The Devil Chicken drove LTJ trumpet player JR through a table while the Cruiser delivered the MOTHER OF ALL ORNDORFF PILEDRIVERS to that guy in the skull mask who runs around the LTJ stage like a maniac. Justice was done on that day in Pontiac, but it is doubtful that ISW has heard the last of Less Than Jake.

3) The Oi Boy getting put through a table by Vampiro onstage with Rancid: Saturday Aug. 11, 2001 at the Skydome in Toronto. Now just playing the Skydome was enough of a hightlight to make it to this list. The place is the home of the Blue Jays and the site of WrestleMania VI where Hogan jobbed to the Ultimate Warrior. You could just feel the electricity in the air. It was also great that we were actually in the Skydome and not in the parking lot as with most of the Warped dates. Part of this is because the SD doesn't have a parking lot, but still, all of ISW assembled can now boast that they have wrestled IN the Skydome.

On top of all of this we had WCW and luch libre star Vampiro step into the ISW ring and fight our own Libido Gigante. Before his match, however, Vamp drove our resident skinhead wrestler The Oi Boy through a table onstage with Rancid in front of 14,000+ people. The Oi Boy goose-stepped out onto the stage and cut into Rancid's set during their ballad "Jimmy and Johnny." OB then shoved Tim Armstrong and announced that Rancid's set was over and then said some really foul, racist things. Just as the crowd was about to stampede the barricades and kill us all (Rancid and myself included) Vampiro did the right thing and slammed the nazi grappler through a table. This MOTHER OF ALL TABLE SHOTS received the biggest pop I have ever heard. No lie. Very Controversial.

2) Count Dante (me) getting kneed in the nuts by Vampiro: Saturday Aug. 11, 2001 at the Skydome in Toronto. After destroying Libido Gigante and ISW ref Smith "Hooper" Ladoux, Vampiro turned his attention to yours truly. He picked up all 300+ pounds of the Count, threw me into the ring and then delivered a vicious knee to the Count's crown jewels. Ouch! That's gotta' hurt - and it did.

1) The Clermont Lounge: Wednesday July 25, 2001. The Clermont Lounge in Atlanta, GA claims to be "The Bible Belt's Oldest Strip Club." What they don't tell you is that it also has the Bible Belt's oldest strippers! There is one gal there who (and I kid you not) looks like Ronald Reagan and then there's Blondie. Blondie is a big, black woman with bleached blond hair who can crush beer cans in between her boobs. This woman can also deliver titty slaps with such force that she gave Spike from Me First and the Gimme Gimmes a black eye. Amazing!

In addition to Blondie, there is 4 Felony Renee who claimed to be a trained wrestler but could not get on the ISW bus and leave the state because of her string of convictions. Some of the Clermont's ladies were cuter than others but they all had stories to tell and boy did they tell them. Dancin' Joey, the Ladies' Man, Chemo Kid and myself all heard an earful from each gal about how much they loved their kids, but had to beat their kids and how they were in bitter custody battles and had trouble making their house payments. Oooooo Sexy.

Did I tell you that there was a mother/daughter team working the place as well? They even hoped that their granddaughter would follow in their footsteps so that they could have 3 generations of their family working the Clermont!!!

The super stars of ISW invaded the place after our show was rained out in Atlanta and none of us went away disappointed. No cover charge, cheap drinks and cheap women. It was like dying and going to heaven - literally - with all of the pain involved in the dying part mixed in. Our time at the Clermont was clearly ISW's finest hour.

BEST 2001 ISW WARPED TOUR MATCHES:
This is my list of what I thought were the best ISW matches on this year's Warped Tour. These aren't official rankings or anything. They are just the bouts that stand out in my mind. Many of these matches took place on more than one occasion and they are listed in no particular order of greatness.

• The Oi Boy vs. Frankie Destruction Dee: A skinhead vs. a half Mexian/half Asian with the nazi taking it through a table on most days. Frankie Dee is a credit to his race - the human race.
• El Homo Loco & The Cruiser vs. 69 Degrees: Rectal wreckers anyone?
• Gran Fangorio vs. Tech 9: This was all about work rate. No gimmicks, just great wrestling action.
• Libido Gigante vs. Vampiro
• US Steele vs. Asesino Postal: Another well-worked match-up.
• Macho Sasquatcho vs. The Ladies' Man: This match ignited the crowd every time that these two titanic talents locked up.
• B-9 vs. The Mexican Viking & Super Pulga: In an attempt to gangstafy his image, Bad Boy Corey teamed up with Senor Bueno to form B-9. The two had a great match with Pulga and the Viking. Sadly, this match-up happened only once.
• Count Dante vs. The Poontangler: Damn that Poontangler!
• El Pollo Diablo vs. Senor Bueno (arm wrestling): God that crowd hated Bueno in every city. Great heat. Maybe the best of the tour.

SPECIAL THANKS TO: Tim and Lars from Rancid, Vampiro, Kevin Lyman (Warped Boss of All Bosses), Kerry Nicholson (Warped production manager and wrestling fan), Alan Schiff of Target Stores Everywhere, Chris & JR of Less Than Jake, Phil Tierney and those sign making fools from Ohio, Nila from Bottom, Madcap for lighting up the barbecue every night, Dryden from Alien Ant Farm (a nicer guy you'll never meet), Ric Gillespie from the Pro Wrestling Connection, THE DESPERATION SQUAD, Misfit Jerry Only, Dez Candena (Black Flag, Misfits, all-around punk rock legend), The Angry Amputees, Heather the Gimme Gimme bartender for those strong drinks, and many, many more. These people and countless others really made Warped 2001 a joy to work, wrestle and MC for. The Count extends a very royal thank you to one and all!